Monday, September 26, 2011

Sometimes there are no words

I have struggled.  I have contemplated for the past two weeks whether or not I had what it took.  I have reflected on all that was going wrong.  Grappled with what to change and what to hold onto.  Cried.  Screamed.  Choked on words.  Slept.  Got up to fight through the day without any energy.  And avoided.  Avoided writing this blog.  Pushed away accepting that I could be wrong.  Ran from self-doubt right into self-defamation.  And I avoided the obvious.  Forgot the kids needed time.  Beat myself up over that which was beyond my control.  Cracked down when I should have cracked up.  And then, then I cracked. Period.

And then today.  Today was great.  Today was a dream; and even better, today was a reality.  Today my students and I stood up to a test unlike any other this early in the school year.  And we all shone.  And no one was irreparably hurt in the process. 

I haven't written each weekend like I had hoped.  I haven't had the ability to be so brutally honest with all of you in the midst of my own personal hell.  I couldn't write without being a bitter downer.  I couldn't put myself out there as I was failing miserably and falling without a net.  Then the net that I thought didn't exist caught me.  And I am here to tell about it.  The failure, the reflection and the road to recovery.  Hopefully by June I will be here to tell about the success.  But for today, just the realization that it will be okay is enough.

So, know that I am back.  Know that we are all okay.  And know that the weather has turned and tea will be brewing.  It's gonna take a lot of tea this year. 

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