Thursday, February 23, 2012

Teaching Numb

I'm detached.  Nothing that the students do phases me.  I'm teflon. It sucks, because while it is fabulous with the "bad" behaviors, I find myself distrusting the "good" behaviors.  Children who seek my favor out are just kids who would do that for any teacher.   Students who work hard to please me would work hard to please any teacher.  2 students wrote me private notes today and I responded knowing full well that they would have written any teacher a private note, it had nothing to do with anything "me".
I showed up, I taught, I did my job and I left.  I didn't feel like I had made an error and I didn't feel like I had made a difference.  I felt indifferent--like I had done a job.  Teaching is not a "job."
Teaching isn't supposed to feel like that.  I know what teaching feels like. It feels like heartache.  It feels like elation.  It feels exhausting and invigorating.  Teaching feels.  But I'm numb. 
I'm torn.  Numb is good.  Numb doesn't hurt. It doesn't anger. Numb doesn't.  But because it doesn't feel,  it doesn't light that fire that gets me out of bed extra early.  It doesn't recharge my sense of place in this world. 
I hate numb.  I prefer defeat to numb.  I want victory, but I'd take anger.  I might even accept sadness.

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